Betrayal, Guilt and heartbreak

Does my heart feel shame
My conscience full of guilt?
Like a friendship gone wrong
This pain is felt
No my love
Not the pain that brings sorrow
But the painThat gives birth to all my tomorrows
Shame for doubting love to be so true
Love had failed meUntil the day that I met you
Heartbreak, infidelity
An irreconcilable difference
Misconceptions, no trust
Happiness without the resemblance
Sorrow for all who do not know heart's satisfaction
Sharing a love that ignores this world's distractions
Guilt like I have found a buried treasure
Or the fountain of youth
My future shines bright
And I am not in need of reproof
Each day reveals the idiosyncrasy of the need for love
Pure, without blemish
The symbol of a flying white dove
I love who you are
Not who you feel you need to be
You are my guiding force
Forever my love’s destiny

I should be flying as high as any success at the moment. But I'm not. I should proud of myself for passing the test my Masters have placed before me after my first few weeks of training. But I am not. I should be elated that my head is spinning with thought of a new love. But I cannot feel.

Helene, my exquisite sister Helene. I have torn her heart from her, because I was too weak and needy to stop myself from falling in love with a man too wrong for me.

Helene confessed to me that she had a crush. I too had a crush on one of my brothers. We regaled in tails of how bad it would be to divulge our silly confessions to our family. We danced together, we drunk together. And then she confessed. Directly to Marcus. He did not reciprocate, but he has lost his wife, he cannot love and she fled to Ireland leaving me on my own. Oh I was lost without her. Spending time with Makenna. She and I were the only two who knew about Helene's secret.

Now for my secret. After a brief conversation with Marcus, I found myself drawn to him and drawn in by him. He is a proud man, but a hurt man. Having lost his one true love many years ago, he is also a heartbroken man. After hours of talking to him I was weak, and kissed him. Ah, even confessed my love for him. He also has a place for Helene. What are we to do? I am the child, Helene is the Lady. Where she is gracious I am silly. I still find it hard to believe that he finds me stimulating-what have we in common apart from shared hurts?

I have already betrayed my family, by shredding Helene's heart. Failure is worse than death. I hope that she is gracious enough to allow me an audience soon. I love you Helene. I followed my heart, and I'm still not convinced that it steers me on to the right path.

I am to leave for America soon. An assignment. It will be my first real test in the field. I am to go with Ren and Dem. Am I ready to fight? Yes. Am I ready to leave Volterra? No. But I carry the memory of the past few days with me. I can have that much to myself surely.....

Prolific Follying

Like the title?
Know what it means?
To be stuck in the middle
And nowhere between
To stick to the ruling
And then still be false

Volterra. God, since I came here, I haven't stood still. I haven't had the chance to be fair. Not only the hard work and effort I'm putting in but Lordy, the emotions that go flying around on a daily basis. My own are no expetion. Corin has taken over my combat training since Felix has disappeared. Where he has gone, no one knows. Mary has now left to meet up with one of her nomadic friends in America, Corin thinks everything Felix texts him and speaks to him about hilarious. hmmmm, it doesn't take much intelligence to add two and two together. FiFi in love, or wonderlust? Who knows. Must be one hell of a woman.Ren and San have just disappeared into their own little world for days on end, well fair play to them I say. Something happenned around about the time of her birthday after she returned home from a round trip of Ireland and America. I only saw the flowers, and heard something whispered....

And Helene, poor Helene confessing her love and then leaving for Ireland. Master Marcus, oh what a puzzle is he....such an interesting subject for my musings.

Me? Oh I had a visitor.I even took a day off for him. It was nice learning about Andrey's life, he even made me a table. It sits in my flat as I'm writing this. He's a lonely soul after a bit of a laugh, I think my running away from him at the most inopportune moments made him giggle. Ok, we had a bit of a moment, but that was it. It was over before it begun, but I know I have a wandering friend in him. I could not give him what he wanted. My heart is ice, I am frozen in time as my heart belongs to another. I dare not disclose as I am sure he does not feel the same and it would be my ruin to act upon it. But the temptation is great, even though I have a skittish tendency to run, or kill. It is the poco con passionate in me apparently.

I still miss my Wales. I may ask soon if I can at least go to London. Donna is using my London flat at the moment, I think she may have met Maggie and Helene in Ireland for a few days.Perhaps return to Cardiff. Surely even a trainee can have a few days off. I miss the constant reassurance of my mother, the pure clean fresh air of Wales. In the meantime, I'm hoping they send me into some action soon. I need to kill something pretty bad. Prolific follying has the way of doing that to a girl, especially a girl like me, little, who has come so far anyway, long way.

Dirty little Secrets

Silence engulfs her once screaming night
She sits biting at the withered skin that
gathers around the edges of her nails
Shards of icy tingles haunt her spine
while she reflects upon her past
Her legs shake when she gets nervous
so she digs her teeth hard into her tongue
to focus on something else.

Wet flesh rolling in a dumb stupor, she knows what she wants to say
It is trying to claw its way out from inside her but her lips remain padlockedNo wetness softens her cheeks
She’s numb
Eyes wide Pupils dilated
She just stares,
at nothing she stares,
no story in her eyes just an etched in look of grief
Motionless she sits, d
oesn’t know how long she has been there
or how long until she can move again
She just sits paralysed by the silence

We all have them. We all hide them. We all hope beyond hope that no one will fall inadvertently onto them. This family is riddled with them. Whilst poor Ren is trying to figure out ours, I muse on how familliar this situation feels to me. The litter sister again. The schoolgirl whom no one takes seriously. The girl with a crush. And a dangerous one at that.

I miss home, the familiarity of it. I miss my friends. It's been a heartbraking week, oh, I'm being overtly dramatic. I hate dirty little secrets, they eat you up from the inside out.

New Horizons

Like a breath of springtime air,

When you breathed your life on me,

Fresh and new I bloomed right there,

And my eyes began to see

New Horizons,

the colors of Your reflecting glow of love

I am for the first time in many years content with my place in the World. I am happy just to be Bethan, to be myself. My world has revolved so fast this last week, it amuses me. One minute desolate, the next surrounded by a rich and varied family. My timetable for training is jam packed, I hardly have time to think, which is a blessing as I have plenty to think about.

I have always kept myself busy, even in the Wilds of Wales, there was study, composition, exploration, to be done. Here it is a more tangled web we weave, and I find myself at a loss of what to do on my free time. Perhaps I will wonder the countryside for a time, I'm not yearning as I did and do not feel so empty. I could almost go so far as to say that I am close to fulfilled.

One small irk in my perfect life is that I still think about the Snowdons. The old fashioned values I carried with me to this day tell me that I was wrong to kiss Coraline. But it felt very right at the time. Should I continue along this path and find a female to spend the rest of my life with? But then I think of the passion that burns within me for a good looking man. A part of me fears that I can never trust another with my heart after the hurt the Snowdons have caused. Perhaps I should just take the boys advice and "chase some tail" for a while, but this isn't really me either. Time will tell I suppose, at the moment no time to think is a blessing. It is in the quiet times that the ghosts of the past come back to rip our hearts from our sleeves.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even

So close no matter how far

couldn't be much more from the heart

forever trusting who we are

and nothing else matters

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way

all these words I don't just say

and nothing else matters

trust I seek and I find in you

every day for us something new
open mind for a different view

and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

-Nothing Else Matters, Mettalica

A day of complete extremes. Loss and then Joy. I sent a final letter home today and it broke my heart. I don't know if mam will ever get over it, and I am so selfish for tearing her heart out, but she's so much stronger than I. I asked for my possessions, even though I had very few. My journals and manuscripts. I also wished for her to visit me. But she will not. I will optimistically keep hoping that one day, maybe.

I'm also in shock, having been accepted as a member of the general guard of the Volturi. This means that I'll be working to uphold the Laws of our kind. The bitter sweet feeling of having lost one family I held so dear, to being accepted into the heart of a prestigious royal family. I am in awe and still dumbfounded as to why they would choose a small insignificant Welshgirl. Iesu Gwyn, give me strength to be able to prove myself worthy to them.

My New Family

Whom We Serve

Aro, Head of the Volturi, Married to Sulpicia
He's a cool guy really but really intimidating when you first meet him

He can read your thoughts just by touching you, which is very cool btw

Caius, brother to Aro Married to Athenodora

He's sort of the crazy warring man in the bunch . He doesn't really like

Peace in our time


Marcus, brother in law to Aro. He was married to Didyme Aro's sister, but she died a violent death :(

Always looks "quite bored"

Volturi Guards

For the time being these guys are my mentors, and the reason I want to fight

Ren, Ok if I were writing for Society magazine, This is where I would start

This woman is the glue in the backbone of the guard, owns a million pairs of shoes, oh, and she is a pretty impressive shield-what more could you ask?

Santiago, Ren's other half, he has the power to mimic other peoples abilities. I have one word for this man Adorable (sorry Ren!) but I am very glad he is on my side when I get to fight

Alec and Jane or the twins. These two are really death on legs even though they look like cherubim. Alec has the ability to numb, Jane to inflict excrutiating pain. Man, I'm never breaking any laws.




Corin, ahhh bless him. My F1 loving (familiar?) Big brother. He's a smoosh head but I love him. He's got the ability to teleport which is pretty cool. He's also madly in love with one of the most amazing non Volturi women ever MaryBethune-watch this space, she is soon to become our sister on Law.

Demitri, he's been busy really since I arrived, but he seems quite pleasant. He's English, so it makes me feel more at home. He's also one of the most amazing trackers in the history of Our kind. Pretty hot too huh?





Felix,aka Scarymutha if you saw this guy on a dark night you'd sprint in the other direction. He scared the living daylights out of me my first few days in Volterra, now? Well I hope he's warming to me now I'm family...

Chelsea, as we know did a stupid thing and died.

I'm yet to meet Afton, he was sent off to greive by aro

Oh, and Helen send me a pic when you have one and I'll do an awesome Bio for you too, Finally


Beth, rentagob with a heart. For what I lack in height I make up in noise. Oh, and Nothing Else Matters

So, I have my robes, a party is planned, and then to work. Back to my roots, serving a Master. First though to get to grips with those pesky laws.........

Disowned

Had I Known I would have loved you then.
Had I known, I would have asked less questions...
Followed my heart a little more.
Had I known one day you'd be gone,
and I couldn't show you anymore.
I'd have lived each moment as if it were the last.
Remember every word... not let time go by so fast.
But I was wrapped in my own image, afraid to let it show,
But now I wish I loved you.
Why couldn't I know that you would leave me,
and I'd be caught in the past.
In the moments I could have changed, the times that were your last.
I would have lived a lifetime in a few short days.
Instead I have a few brief moments, that I let my heart show.
Memories of a love that I refused to know,
until it was almost too late.
Then it was over, and I was all alone. In a daze, I wonder......
Did you know
I loved you all along?

I have fed, on human blood. I am stronger, physically and the crimson tinge has returned to my once amber eyes.

A letter arrived this morning after a tumultuous night. I am disowned by my coven, I am not to return. All day I have silently sobbed, grieved. Is it wrong to be relieved? Was I rash in my decisions? In 95 years of my feeble existence I have never put myself first, until I could take no more and I had to flee to find my way. Mother dominated me, mollycoddled like the child she couldn't birth herself. She has arranged for my bonds be shipped to me. She says it would be too painful to see me now and that I will be killed if I return. I am not wealthy and now have to make my own way in the world. Where am I to go?

I have been interviewed for a position in the guard. A foolish child was killed leaving a vacancy. I am not trained in fighting but do understand servitude, and hard work. I shall have to return to London for a few days, just to put my affairs in order. I got my wish, I am now having to be in control of my own destiny. And carving my own path.

Unwelcome News

An unexpected Text Message.

****She's in Calais****

That's all that was required. My heart carried a dark secret, a vengeful sorrow that I had carried with me all these years. It was not a number I recognised, but I could have guessed who had sent it to me.

I knew what I had to do. No mean feat for the coward I truly am. Quickly I packed my belongings. Not knowing if I wold ever return from my journey. Leaving friends that I held so dear in the midst of their own turmoils. I took only the bare minimum. No explanations. My business my own. Who could I entrust my responsibilities to? No one apart from myself.

I am weak. In the days as my newborn, I was directionless, but one burning desire alone revenge. Lord Snowdon had abused me and left me to die. I had to avenge myself, so I had hit his heart, the only thing that mattered to him before immortality, his daughter. I knew that even after he had been made immortal he watched over his daughter like a precious jewel. His diamond. I had always craved for his love, his acceptance, and the rage that burnt in me having been used like I had ate at what was left of my humanity. Burned me to damnation. I had to damage and dislodge this jewel in his crown. To make him as numb in this ever life as I was.

I knew that the Lady and her daughter resided in London for the Summer. For all my plainness in life, they surely would not recognise me now, and I would ensure that I was suitably well fed as to not make a scene once I arrived in their Society circle. It was 1934. I hunted them to Notting Hill, an exclusive part of the City. Ha! I should have known. It was all too easy to pass for a Lady, stealing clothing had become second nature.

Coraline was 24 engaged to be married to an officer, and extraordinarily beautiful. Quite refined from head to toe. The night before her wedding I jumped up to her balcony, entered her bedroom, kissed her forehead gently, sang her a sweet lullaby and drained her of blood.

Or so I thought.

I had no word for thirty years. Kept in Rural Wales with my family in my sanctuary, I had no reason to suspect otherwise, until I received a hand written note

Beth,

You have failed again. "Alive" and well my dear girl.

Please visit me soon,

C

I begged my mother to look, and she did. Finding no trace of Coraline Snowdon. No trail of bodies where she had been or gone. I was a foolish youngling who was not up to the job. Shame flowed through me that I had not killed her entirely, and changed her into a violent elegant killer. I had not received word until my stay in Italy.

I cannot describe the hatred and panic that spasmed through me when I read that message. The anguish as I knew that I had to destroy the one that I had created in revenge. Intrigued as I was also to see what my deviant angel was like. ~I knew her smell~

I headed North, the moon and the Beemer my only companions. Grateful for the pulse of the powerful engine of the bike. Scared that I had to face this entirely alone. She was easy to track. Too easy.

She had not changed. Still glorious still beautiful, still seductive. Her fathers eyes and her mothers delicate features. She was also all to aware that I was coming-and why.

"It's been a long time little Friend" she purred effortlessly. Long versed in the art of seduction.

"Too long, you know why I'm here"

My voice broke with anticipation and I felt the small hairs on the back of my neck raise for the fight.

"Before we fight", she raised herself up on the bed and touched my face running her finger down my cheekbone to my collar. She kissed me, a full, tender warm kiss of a lover.

I was utterly lost. The tender moments with her father although fuzzy and far away came rushing back to me. I urged myself not to get lost in that tender kiss. I hissed and pulled away.

"Ah, always the bridesmaid, but you enjoyed that. Let's fight" she growled.

I took all my friends notes on board, but she was quicker and stronger than I. I could not find my voice as I knew that she was mine, and we could be together forever if she were not abhorrently wrong-I had created her in revenge. I had killed her father in cold blood.

From some source I found strength, Donna had taught me to go for a weak point. The Volturi had taught me respect. I was not giving in. In a split second I had her pinned on the floor.

"To your death bitch"

And I kissed her, passionately, deeply, hard, before moving down to her neck, and then I just bit. The howls were unbearable, the screams between Ecstasy and torture. I tore her to shreds. Taking everything with me to burn her, keeping a lock of her hair in a pendant around my neck.

Victory was not sweet. I morn now for what could have been. But my torture is over. There may be light yet over some distant hill.

A little goes along way.