So this is what goodbye feels like

Whilst in the infirmary I took two pieces of paper from Senna's notepad. Only two. I wrote hurriedly but had much to say. I hope that the words have some meaning to the recipients. I handed the notes quietly to Afton, a beloved brother who read the pain in my eyes. I held him dear. I hope that these notes find their owners, as I know it will not be long until Senna and I face our fate....

Dearest Helene,

If you read this then I am gone Sister, either to my grave or away somewhere beyond reach. Please do not feel at fault for any of this business. What the heart wants the heart wants. None of us can help but follow, no matter who it is we fall in love with.

Remember me fondly Sister.For all the times that we have spent happy in each others company. All the times we have giggled together like children. All the times you would have made me blush if I were still mortal. All those times were we have sobbed on one anothers shoulders and been there for one another as true sisters should be. Remember me and smile, don't think of what I became. Remember the one I was before the start of this affair, the laughing joking innocent. If I had a rewind button somewhere, anywhere I would use it gladly.

If I am allowed to exist, by any chance of fate, be happy in the knowledge that I will live for the both of us. Please if we ever meet again, befriend me, but do not speak of Italy. I hope now that I am gone therein lies true happiness for you. There is nothing I wish more my loving big Sister.

I'll Miss you,

B

x

Marcus, My Heart,

I never coveted the small place I held within you. And now, if your reading this I am either ashes or far from you.

Know this-every fibre of my being anted to be yours. I gave myself to you willingly. Fate found me torn between a man who loved me and a man who I longed for but couldn't love me back. It broke my soul in two. My only choices were to face death bravely or disappear. I chose to face the music.

I admire the strength in you Marcus, to keep going, to continue as you do with the weight of a broken heart, and all the laws of our world, dragging you down. A part of me will always be yours.

Remember me as the sweet innocent I was. Not as the broken woman I became.

Your Little guard,

Bethan

x

Betrayal, Guilt and heartbreak

Does my heart feel shame
My conscience full of guilt?
Like a friendship gone wrong
This pain is felt
No my love
Not the pain that brings sorrow
But the painThat gives birth to all my tomorrows
Shame for doubting love to be so true
Love had failed meUntil the day that I met you
Heartbreak, infidelity
An irreconcilable difference
Misconceptions, no trust
Happiness without the resemblance
Sorrow for all who do not know heart's satisfaction
Sharing a love that ignores this world's distractions
Guilt like I have found a buried treasure
Or the fountain of youth
My future shines bright
And I am not in need of reproof
Each day reveals the idiosyncrasy of the need for love
Pure, without blemish
The symbol of a flying white dove
I love who you are
Not who you feel you need to be
You are my guiding force
Forever my love’s destiny

I should be flying as high as any success at the moment. But I'm not. I should proud of myself for passing the test my Masters have placed before me after my first few weeks of training. But I am not. I should be elated that my head is spinning with thought of a new love. But I cannot feel.

Helene, my exquisite sister Helene. I have torn her heart from her, because I was too weak and needy to stop myself from falling in love with a man too wrong for me.

Helene confessed to me that she had a crush. I too had a crush on one of my brothers. We regaled in tails of how bad it would be to divulge our silly confessions to our family. We danced together, we drunk together. And then she confessed. Directly to Marcus. He did not reciprocate, but he has lost his wife, he cannot love and she fled to Ireland leaving me on my own. Oh I was lost without her. Spending time with Makenna. She and I were the only two who knew about Helene's secret.

Now for my secret. After a brief conversation with Marcus, I found myself drawn to him and drawn in by him. He is a proud man, but a hurt man. Having lost his one true love many years ago, he is also a heartbroken man. After hours of talking to him I was weak, and kissed him. Ah, even confessed my love for him. He also has a place for Helene. What are we to do? I am the child, Helene is the Lady. Where she is gracious I am silly. I still find it hard to believe that he finds me stimulating-what have we in common apart from shared hurts?

I have already betrayed my family, by shredding Helene's heart. Failure is worse than death. I hope that she is gracious enough to allow me an audience soon. I love you Helene. I followed my heart, and I'm still not convinced that it steers me on to the right path.

I am to leave for America soon. An assignment. It will be my first real test in the field. I am to go with Ren and Dem. Am I ready to fight? Yes. Am I ready to leave Volterra? No. But I carry the memory of the past few days with me. I can have that much to myself surely.....