Head and Heart

Purgatory is a strange place to reside. It feels like I have been here far too long not knowing whether to take a step forward into the unknown or to take a step back in to the safe comfort of the familiar. The events of the past few weeks have left me even more confused, firstly catching Helene and Marcus fresh out of bed after 7 days of my absence and shockingly taking the higher moral ground. I knew that my words had smarted the both of them, but it took for him to walk out to start a chain reaction of things in my head. Even though I died many years ago, some parts have remained predominantly human. I love like a human I still feel like a human and I still fear like a human. Weaknesses, yes, but also the sum of my greatest strengths.

It took a few days for me to come around to talking to either of them about what had happened. Not that I was angry, more numb than anything else. Feeling as if a large velvet blanket had enveloped me and was carrying me away to.....somewhere. I was lucky to have Afton who allowed me to take some of my aggression out on him, but the hours spent afterwards were prolific. Staring at the ceiling for hours, thinking what was wrong with me. I must have prompted this behaviour somehow within him. What could I do? How could I put things right? The answers in a concise fashion was I couldn't. He needs time and space to mourn the wife he loved so much. He doesn't love....do I?

I had to talk to Helene so when I spotted her going to her jeep for a drive I decided that it would be best to be civil at least, who else could understand what I was going through apart from my own Sister. Having decided that I needed to live a little we went to a bar she was accustomed to frequenting in Rome. It was hedonistic, pure blood went straight to my head, there was a photo of her in the mens toilets....at a Mardi gras. We danced and then we hit a strip club. I honestly don't know what to make of it at first. Then I looked inside and I thought.....what the hell. I had been struggling with how uptight I had become, how old I was in a young girls body. I could not resist the temptation and ended up having to feed my thirst right there in the club.

It was early on that Friday that Mags phoned for Dane and Myself. She had met some man in Tokyo, and told Andrey of what she had done. Being friend to Andrey also, he came back to Italy and promptly decided that we both needed some fun. We spent a day on the beach, swimming catching fish, just being young. It was, dare I say, refreshing to have male company when I wasn't either getting angry or fooled. I knew full well that Andrey always had feelings for me, and that day maybe I took advantage of his gentle nature and my longing to be wanted so badly. Andrey and I became firm friends a few months ago, but I know I broke his heart when I rejected him. It was nice to help ease his pain and to talk about my own. But we both forgot Marcus' threat last time if he returned to Italy he would kill him. I tried to maintain a distance from Andrey but again my selfishness became too great. I could love him, or so my head kept telling me. But I lied to my heart as that belonged to a dark cruel man. I was so afraid of doing to poor sweet Andrey what I was having done to me. I confessed all in an argument I later had with Maggie. I felt helpless, broken at my wits end.

There was only one way on Earth I was ever going to get rid of the rest of my humanity and that was to test if my body would sing to him as my heart did or would I still be numb? I will soon find out. I have a cruel, cruel heart.........