When a heart breaks, it don't break even

So close no matter how far

couldn't be much more from the heart

forever trusting who we are

and nothing else matters

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way

all these words I don't just say

and nothing else matters

trust I seek and I find in you

every day for us something new
open mind for a different view

and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

-Nothing Else Matters, Mettalica

A day of complete extremes. Loss and then Joy. I sent a final letter home today and it broke my heart. I don't know if mam will ever get over it, and I am so selfish for tearing her heart out, but she's so much stronger than I. I asked for my possessions, even though I had very few. My journals and manuscripts. I also wished for her to visit me. But she will not. I will optimistically keep hoping that one day, maybe.

I'm also in shock, having been accepted as a member of the general guard of the Volturi. This means that I'll be working to uphold the Laws of our kind. The bitter sweet feeling of having lost one family I held so dear, to being accepted into the heart of a prestigious royal family. I am in awe and still dumbfounded as to why they would choose a small insignificant Welshgirl. Iesu Gwyn, give me strength to be able to prove myself worthy to them.

My New Family

Whom We Serve

Aro, Head of the Volturi, Married to Sulpicia
He's a cool guy really but really intimidating when you first meet him

He can read your thoughts just by touching you, which is very cool btw

Caius, brother to Aro Married to Athenodora

He's sort of the crazy warring man in the bunch . He doesn't really like

Peace in our time


Marcus, brother in law to Aro. He was married to Didyme Aro's sister, but she died a violent death :(

Always looks "quite bored"

Volturi Guards

For the time being these guys are my mentors, and the reason I want to fight

Ren, Ok if I were writing for Society magazine, This is where I would start

This woman is the glue in the backbone of the guard, owns a million pairs of shoes, oh, and she is a pretty impressive shield-what more could you ask?

Santiago, Ren's other half, he has the power to mimic other peoples abilities. I have one word for this man Adorable (sorry Ren!) but I am very glad he is on my side when I get to fight

Alec and Jane or the twins. These two are really death on legs even though they look like cherubim. Alec has the ability to numb, Jane to inflict excrutiating pain. Man, I'm never breaking any laws.




Corin, ahhh bless him. My F1 loving (familiar?) Big brother. He's a smoosh head but I love him. He's got the ability to teleport which is pretty cool. He's also madly in love with one of the most amazing non Volturi women ever MaryBethune-watch this space, she is soon to become our sister on Law.

Demitri, he's been busy really since I arrived, but he seems quite pleasant. He's English, so it makes me feel more at home. He's also one of the most amazing trackers in the history of Our kind. Pretty hot too huh?





Felix,aka Scarymutha if you saw this guy on a dark night you'd sprint in the other direction. He scared the living daylights out of me my first few days in Volterra, now? Well I hope he's warming to me now I'm family...

Chelsea, as we know did a stupid thing and died.

I'm yet to meet Afton, he was sent off to greive by aro

Oh, and Helen send me a pic when you have one and I'll do an awesome Bio for you too, Finally


Beth, rentagob with a heart. For what I lack in height I make up in noise. Oh, and Nothing Else Matters

So, I have my robes, a party is planned, and then to work. Back to my roots, serving a Master. First though to get to grips with those pesky laws.........

Disowned

Had I Known I would have loved you then.
Had I known, I would have asked less questions...
Followed my heart a little more.
Had I known one day you'd be gone,
and I couldn't show you anymore.
I'd have lived each moment as if it were the last.
Remember every word... not let time go by so fast.
But I was wrapped in my own image, afraid to let it show,
But now I wish I loved you.
Why couldn't I know that you would leave me,
and I'd be caught in the past.
In the moments I could have changed, the times that were your last.
I would have lived a lifetime in a few short days.
Instead I have a few brief moments, that I let my heart show.
Memories of a love that I refused to know,
until it was almost too late.
Then it was over, and I was all alone. In a daze, I wonder......
Did you know
I loved you all along?

I have fed, on human blood. I am stronger, physically and the crimson tinge has returned to my once amber eyes.

A letter arrived this morning after a tumultuous night. I am disowned by my coven, I am not to return. All day I have silently sobbed, grieved. Is it wrong to be relieved? Was I rash in my decisions? In 95 years of my feeble existence I have never put myself first, until I could take no more and I had to flee to find my way. Mother dominated me, mollycoddled like the child she couldn't birth herself. She has arranged for my bonds be shipped to me. She says it would be too painful to see me now and that I will be killed if I return. I am not wealthy and now have to make my own way in the world. Where am I to go?

I have been interviewed for a position in the guard. A foolish child was killed leaving a vacancy. I am not trained in fighting but do understand servitude, and hard work. I shall have to return to London for a few days, just to put my affairs in order. I got my wish, I am now having to be in control of my own destiny. And carving my own path.

Unwelcome News

An unexpected Text Message.

****She's in Calais****

That's all that was required. My heart carried a dark secret, a vengeful sorrow that I had carried with me all these years. It was not a number I recognised, but I could have guessed who had sent it to me.

I knew what I had to do. No mean feat for the coward I truly am. Quickly I packed my belongings. Not knowing if I wold ever return from my journey. Leaving friends that I held so dear in the midst of their own turmoils. I took only the bare minimum. No explanations. My business my own. Who could I entrust my responsibilities to? No one apart from myself.

I am weak. In the days as my newborn, I was directionless, but one burning desire alone revenge. Lord Snowdon had abused me and left me to die. I had to avenge myself, so I had hit his heart, the only thing that mattered to him before immortality, his daughter. I knew that even after he had been made immortal he watched over his daughter like a precious jewel. His diamond. I had always craved for his love, his acceptance, and the rage that burnt in me having been used like I had ate at what was left of my humanity. Burned me to damnation. I had to damage and dislodge this jewel in his crown. To make him as numb in this ever life as I was.

I knew that the Lady and her daughter resided in London for the Summer. For all my plainness in life, they surely would not recognise me now, and I would ensure that I was suitably well fed as to not make a scene once I arrived in their Society circle. It was 1934. I hunted them to Notting Hill, an exclusive part of the City. Ha! I should have known. It was all too easy to pass for a Lady, stealing clothing had become second nature.

Coraline was 24 engaged to be married to an officer, and extraordinarily beautiful. Quite refined from head to toe. The night before her wedding I jumped up to her balcony, entered her bedroom, kissed her forehead gently, sang her a sweet lullaby and drained her of blood.

Or so I thought.

I had no word for thirty years. Kept in Rural Wales with my family in my sanctuary, I had no reason to suspect otherwise, until I received a hand written note

Beth,

You have failed again. "Alive" and well my dear girl.

Please visit me soon,

C

I begged my mother to look, and she did. Finding no trace of Coraline Snowdon. No trail of bodies where she had been or gone. I was a foolish youngling who was not up to the job. Shame flowed through me that I had not killed her entirely, and changed her into a violent elegant killer. I had not received word until my stay in Italy.

I cannot describe the hatred and panic that spasmed through me when I read that message. The anguish as I knew that I had to destroy the one that I had created in revenge. Intrigued as I was also to see what my deviant angel was like. ~I knew her smell~

I headed North, the moon and the Beemer my only companions. Grateful for the pulse of the powerful engine of the bike. Scared that I had to face this entirely alone. She was easy to track. Too easy.

She had not changed. Still glorious still beautiful, still seductive. Her fathers eyes and her mothers delicate features. She was also all to aware that I was coming-and why.

"It's been a long time little Friend" she purred effortlessly. Long versed in the art of seduction.

"Too long, you know why I'm here"

My voice broke with anticipation and I felt the small hairs on the back of my neck raise for the fight.

"Before we fight", she raised herself up on the bed and touched my face running her finger down my cheekbone to my collar. She kissed me, a full, tender warm kiss of a lover.

I was utterly lost. The tender moments with her father although fuzzy and far away came rushing back to me. I urged myself not to get lost in that tender kiss. I hissed and pulled away.

"Ah, always the bridesmaid, but you enjoyed that. Let's fight" she growled.

I took all my friends notes on board, but she was quicker and stronger than I. I could not find my voice as I knew that she was mine, and we could be together forever if she were not abhorrently wrong-I had created her in revenge. I had killed her father in cold blood.

From some source I found strength, Donna had taught me to go for a weak point. The Volturi had taught me respect. I was not giving in. In a split second I had her pinned on the floor.

"To your death bitch"

And I kissed her, passionately, deeply, hard, before moving down to her neck, and then I just bit. The howls were unbearable, the screams between Ecstasy and torture. I tore her to shreds. Taking everything with me to burn her, keeping a lock of her hair in a pendant around my neck.

Victory was not sweet. I morn now for what could have been. But my torture is over. There may be light yet over some distant hill.

A little goes along way.

Big Decisions

Relationships between my mother and I continue to deteriorate whilst I am visiting Volterra. My absence from home is causing her great pain I know. And the last thing I want is to tear at the heart of the one who rescued me.

I am torn, between great friends and admiration for the Volturi, with a homeland and mother who kept me repressed and hid me in safety for so many years. Help, me....Let me sing...

I must leave Italy, there is that one last dark secret that I must confront. I dare not tell anyone. I cannot, must not, leave this any longer. I must go into danger head on and hope, to God, that I make it back in one piece.

Drama...........

Would things have really been so different
Would the world really have been so shaken
If when I were a much younger
I had chosen the road not taken

Would the days have been any the brighter
Or the nights darker than they are
Would I still have lived in such obscurity
Or shined brighter than any star

It does little good to wonder Of things
that might have been
For who, and what I have become
I must live with in the end


Though life could have been much better
All in all I do not feel forsaken
I count the blessings that I have
And cry not of the road not taken



My head is spinning! It's not an altogether unpleasant feeling, but nonetheless I find it difficult to concentrate. There is so much going on in Italy, and my little head cannot fully grasp or savour all of what is going on around me. So many intricate relationships, so many arguments. I will have to become accustomed to the speed of life here. I played on the harp for hours on end the evening before, playing the welsh songs and calming myself down listening to the familiar thrum of the string against my finger.

For the first time since leaving home, I am confident that this road was right for me. I am enjoying my new skin, and have learnt to fight. I have also learnt a very important lesson. I dare not speak it even to my own heart.

Drama, melodrama, arguments, fighting and making up again. Italians are passionate, resolved and confusing!

My Irish sister has been in the middle of most of the tumult, her and Felix. We have an agreement, I don't understand him, he doesn't understand me, all good there. All I can do is be here for her when she needs me as a good friend should be. Her life is her own and she has her own roads to follow. I know that she will probably break some hearts on the way, I just hope they are not her families. At least I have my first credit card to keep me happy from trouble, that and my new Bugatti.....

I'm all partied out and yet I continue, and am getting to know myself more each day. F1 weekend this weekend should be very forthcoming

When in Rome....Well Volturri

I arrived in Italy shortly after ten in the morning. The sun was beating down and having had a flight full of glorious smelling humans, in a seat next door to a surfer who could not stop saying the word "dude" (what an earth is a dude anyway?), I felt the familiar tight knot in my stomach. Having quickly put on my helmet and collect my bike I made way for the Villa deep in the Tuscan hills, a tucked away reclusive spot, breathtakingly beautiful and so different to my own home. My nervousness quickly dissipated with the ease of our hostess, Ren. How one person can exude such warmth and hospitality is quite beyond me, I watched in awe as Corin and Mary spoke in whispers on the couch, San played teasingly with Ren's hair in the lounge room. I automatically felt part of the family. Before I knew it I was staying for the Summer. I was glad Siobhan and Maggie had arrived before me, I sensed straight away that Maggie needed to talk, so we made our excuses and headed to the music room to the harp I had sent on. Oh, and we talked about everything and nothing, loosing hours. Donna joined us later and talking to the shy, yet self assured rebel put me strangely at ease. As soon as Scarlett arrived, then we knew there would be trouble! So strange to me who before now had been reclusive and untrusting to be comfortable in the tumult of Italy!

Saturday evening was extremely entertaining. We raced. Firstly we had a car race, Santiago, Renata, Siobhan and Corin and their multi million pound collection of cars. Fascinated I watched as the cars flew into action around me, thrilling me, adrenalin coursing through me in the first time in what seems like an eon. Renata won, which cost me my college fund, I had bet on Siobhan. Now penniless, my nerves were ten fold! We were up next.

I had met the mysterious Felix once before but was unsure of how to take him. He's monosyllabic, but something about him makes me smile, mostly because he makes Maggie come alive. Maggie, Felix and I raced on our bikes. I must say I did cheat a little, a man cannot help but be distracted from a girl in a good fitting pair of Versace's. I'm sure he felt quite uncomfortable between Maggie and I. Thankfully I won, ending the race with more money than I had ever seen in my lifetime. Gladly, Santiago and I went on the hunt for a car with a portion of it. He is adamant that I am not allowed to see his choice until he is ready to unveil it. I just hope that it's not pink and not a porsche!

The Easter egg hunt was intriguing, organised by the Athendora, the wife of the elder Caius, as many questions have been raised in my head since arriving in Italy. I feel at home here, three days, I know what lunacy! Do I join the guard? Should I even contemplate it and break the heart of my mother? I talked at length to Corin who allowed me to patrol the borders with him last night.I shall take my time, and enjoy it. Shame there were no chocolate covered rugby players hidden in Volterra.....I was quite hungry.

Leaving Home.........

I know God forgave me long ago,
but I still feel some need for absolution.
To pry my clenched fists from the torments of the past
and lay each palm open to what I hunger for
and fear I may never see again.

I am outcast from my own heart.
I cannot hear the voices
that would guide my return.
I cannot see the hand
that holds the key

It has been a week of great anticipation, and great sadness. To be truthful, leaving Wales for the Tuscan village has shaken me more than I realised. I looked out of the window ar the break of dawn, watching the sun creep slowly over the cragged edges of the grey, still and silent mountains. Listening to the birds singing their chorus to the dawn. I felt more like lamenting. As I took that first cold breath into my long dead lungs, I wanted it to envelope me, to choke any humanity out of what is left of my shell. Yes, it was hard to say goodbye, to a place which has been my life for almost a century. Difficult to leave a family who know my quirks, and accept and love me for all that I am. I know that it may be a while before I return to these mountains, to the clear running streams which thrum through their valleys, to the music and pasture of the wild untamed heaths.

My destination? Straight to the heart of the family my mother has warned me about since I was a child. I go to Volterra, to a family so different to my own, so diverse, electric in every way. It's a short flight, two and a half hours, but it's a world of sophistication, satire and freedom, yes I hope to find some freedom. One of Aro's guard, Renata has kindly invited us to stay at her Villa. We are to participate in a street race, and a hunt (the Easter egg variety) on the Sunday. There are a handful of us younger girls gathering this weekend and it will be nice to spend some time getting to know them better. Scarlett Dane is the Cullen's replacement forger I think that she will be my advocate in mischief. Donna is a soulful Southern American who has fled from the clutches of her "family" who were overpowering of her, and finally Maggie my Irish sister at arms. I look forward to meeting the gypsy musician Mary and of course guard Corin who's love affair made us quite week at the knees over the past few weeks. It's all about love in Italy, Renata finally yielding to Santi, Mary and Corin, I am almost sure that Maggie will find a mate. If Italy is indeed the land of love, then with three Single girls in town can the Volturi guard really withstand such an onslaught?

As I sit now on the Early flight, I also feel a change within myself. I've managed to sit on the plain in a reasonable fashion, my bike safely in the storehold. I feel some apprehension of things to come and know that this visit signifies a change, either for the good or bad. And I have to question why, after all this time, do I need to subject myself to change. Do I need to be different? Am I not accepted now? Am I a silly young girl, the class clown who makes everyone laugh? Or can I be perhaps more complicated than the facade everyone around me sees. Only time will tell.

Friends, Celts, and everone else

A country of mountains and valesOf daffodils,
rugby and song
A country of coal mines and dragons
And a people whose spirit is strong.
A country of hills and valleysOf land so rich and green
Of Eisteddfods, poets and bards
And a people whose pride can be seen.
A country of warriors and heroes
A tapestry of legends and tales
An oppressed people’s fight for freedom


This is my country, this is my Wales

You guessed that my "Welshness" is important to me right? I speak Welsh, I think Welsh and I am very proud of my heritage. It's a Celtic thing, I love the Scottish and the Irish and the reamianing peoples of Cornwall. All things have their drawbacks though and I find myself somwhat "old fashioned" in some of my ways. Oh not of the dress sense variety, or the fact that I can party my little size 2's Jimmy choo's. Oh, no just in the ways of the world.

Our coven of Four have settled in the Welsh hills for years, our home is reclusive. "The Bell House" was built as a watchtower on the old Road between North and South Wales, to guard for highwaymen. My adoptive family have now owned the property for the last 25 years, and are 30 miles from the nearest village. Good for hunting, not good for a social life. My elder brother loves the area, he was first "born" a farmers son Iwan ap Dafydd Ddu was born in the 17C to my adoptive parents. He then found and turned my Sister Mari Llywellyn in 1890. I am the Youngest.

I have not yet found myself a partner, but having had bad encounters with seemingly honest Manpires who have turned out less than gentlemanly I have decided it's me time. My passion for all things risky, my bikes and fast cars, my sport, tear me apart form my family and my roots. I'm still unable to decide if life as a nomad is the way forward. I have acquired a flat in BlackHeath in London and think it may be time to see if I can live alone. I think I'll be very happy as long as I have my bike.

I recently spent a weekend in Ireland with Siobhan, Maggie and Liam. I wish to thank them from the bottom of my "heart" for their hospitality, and for helping me to become a true independent woman. I feel like I have found a true soulmate in Maggie. She is the same as me, restless and wants to be free. She has even invested in a bike, a Ducati. I adore my BMW K1200RS, and I need the bike as an extention of myself. It makes me feel "real" and whole again, like there's something in the world that's worth living on for. Maggie has made me feel my worth again, she's a cracking girl and although she towers over me in stature, she's such a fragile little thing. I wouldn't want anything to happen to her.

Along with the lovely fellow Celts in Ireland, I have met a few Nomads, mainly Donna and Scarlett, they have also taught me to have a new sense of freedon and not to be bound by the constraints of my home and family. I'm anticipating a great time ahead. And for the first time thinking seriously about my future life being just Beth Pyrs from Wales, and being proud of it.

My Life so far, the past 45 years

Having spent the last 40 years of my life a sanguine Vegetarian, I'm still finding it hard to resist temptation. Does it ever get any better? I have just completed my last year of secondary school again this time concentrating on languages and Science. I first went to Corpus Christie Foundation college in 1977, before I attended the Guild Hall in London for training as a performer and Musician. It was only then that I found that I could not sing the songs that I used to sing in a controlled way. My life has always revolved around music, it is food to my soul and I found that I had my voice, but was unable to use it without it becoming a siren call for my prey luring them to me and destroying their senses, even other vampires are not immune. I have thought constantly about taking my talent to the Volturi for their use. It is far too dangerous to have such a talent and to throw it away.

It makes this life seem even lonlier to me, that I have had to sacrifice the one thing I loved. I hope some day I will be able to sing again to my hearts content. Until that day, I'll just have to twitter (celticgirl1913@twitter.com).

The dark years

Mostly Wales is cold, dark mysterious and devistatingly beautiful. It's a lonely barren wilderness. I was lost for many hears, heartbroken, not caring, not feeling, not living.
Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?
Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?
Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?
Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.
It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o're the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.
It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.
No gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

My family cared for me as if I were a baby, but I was wild and had a very hard time coming to terms with my "new" self. Iolo and Shân loved me as if I were their own child. Barely 18, the girl I knew before locked inside my broken heart. I was cold, unfeeling. How could he have done this to me? I heard that he was living in India, I had to face him and rip out his heart like he had mine.

I loved my "new" family dearly, but I was eaten by desire to avenge my "change". I travelled to him, following whispers on the breeze. I went alone, to Mumbai, never stopping once. It was 1964, the world was changing around me. I embraced the change but was thirsty for revenge. I found him in the Royal Palace, but watched and waited as he courtisaned many a lovely dancer. More than anything I needed to know what I meant to him if anything.

That night I murdered for the last time. It was a necessity, the Lady in Question was an arrogant snob who had access to a ball at the palace held by the maharishi. I stumbled around in her wardrobe and found my first item of coture, a sequined Mary Quant dress in deep burgundy, which accentuated my waist length blonde hair and pale skin.

I was beautiful.

In a moment of doubt in front of the mirror I asked myself what I was doing so far away from home, on my own, was he worth it? I perused for a long time, not moving, not daring to look away from the girl woman in the mirror. My God, look at what I had become.

I lost track of time there deep within my own self doubt. I lost myself completely allowing the dark to encompass me. No heartbeat to count, no warmth.

I ran, all the way to the dance, in shoes so large they swallowed my feet. I did not care I had to get some answers.

When he saw me he knew why I had come. He stared at me with his death dark beautiful eyes and took my hand, and silently led me to the dancefloor. I felt so weak against him, so feeble. But this had to end.

"Well now child" he whispered to me, softly sweetly just as I remembered in those fuzzy memories

"just as perfect as I remember!" He laughed then and I think it was the laugh that tipped me over the edge.

"How dare you" I sang him his favourite oh fortuna, and in that moment I served my justice, his body only dancing it's macabre dance. I had taken his head in my hands. I ran with it and threw it into the flames of the fireplace. I can still hear the screams today. I had no answers, my heart was still in tatters, but I had my revenge. It made me no happier this way, but it has made me the wary, lonely figure you see today. A square peg in a round hole, never quite adapting to the vegetarian way of life.

I am a child of Wales, dark, changing, perhaps even aloof and proud. But I have time on my side and my heart must mend.