Leaving Home.........

I know God forgave me long ago,
but I still feel some need for absolution.
To pry my clenched fists from the torments of the past
and lay each palm open to what I hunger for
and fear I may never see again.

I am outcast from my own heart.
I cannot hear the voices
that would guide my return.
I cannot see the hand
that holds the key

It has been a week of great anticipation, and great sadness. To be truthful, leaving Wales for the Tuscan village has shaken me more than I realised. I looked out of the window ar the break of dawn, watching the sun creep slowly over the cragged edges of the grey, still and silent mountains. Listening to the birds singing their chorus to the dawn. I felt more like lamenting. As I took that first cold breath into my long dead lungs, I wanted it to envelope me, to choke any humanity out of what is left of my shell. Yes, it was hard to say goodbye, to a place which has been my life for almost a century. Difficult to leave a family who know my quirks, and accept and love me for all that I am. I know that it may be a while before I return to these mountains, to the clear running streams which thrum through their valleys, to the music and pasture of the wild untamed heaths.

My destination? Straight to the heart of the family my mother has warned me about since I was a child. I go to Volterra, to a family so different to my own, so diverse, electric in every way. It's a short flight, two and a half hours, but it's a world of sophistication, satire and freedom, yes I hope to find some freedom. One of Aro's guard, Renata has kindly invited us to stay at her Villa. We are to participate in a street race, and a hunt (the Easter egg variety) on the Sunday. There are a handful of us younger girls gathering this weekend and it will be nice to spend some time getting to know them better. Scarlett Dane is the Cullen's replacement forger I think that she will be my advocate in mischief. Donna is a soulful Southern American who has fled from the clutches of her "family" who were overpowering of her, and finally Maggie my Irish sister at arms. I look forward to meeting the gypsy musician Mary and of course guard Corin who's love affair made us quite week at the knees over the past few weeks. It's all about love in Italy, Renata finally yielding to Santi, Mary and Corin, I am almost sure that Maggie will find a mate. If Italy is indeed the land of love, then with three Single girls in town can the Volturi guard really withstand such an onslaught?

As I sit now on the Early flight, I also feel a change within myself. I've managed to sit on the plain in a reasonable fashion, my bike safely in the storehold. I feel some apprehension of things to come and know that this visit signifies a change, either for the good or bad. And I have to question why, after all this time, do I need to subject myself to change. Do I need to be different? Am I not accepted now? Am I a silly young girl, the class clown who makes everyone laugh? Or can I be perhaps more complicated than the facade everyone around me sees. Only time will tell.