Retired

Hi guys, I have officially retired from the OC. There's no secrets, no hard feeling. Just that I've had enough. Some of you know why. Please feel free to follow my personal blog on www.littlemissbethan.blogspot.com. Thanks for following me all these months and goodbye.

Lost in Translation

My best friend, my heart and Soul. Nothing else matters, apart from what we share. My heart was found within him. To rest with him eternally. He is the other half of me.

Turning tides

How far the turning ebb does tie
Our lives of sentimentality
The waters edge turns by and by
And we forget humanity

When I returned home with Senna I couldn't remember a thing. I was amazed that months upon months had gone, without a trace. I did what I do best, put a brave face on it and carried on as normal. Even though there was a niggle within me that wanted to push and push to see if I could find any idea of what went on. Pushing got me nowhere, apart from a deep sense of forbidding, that I shouldn't even questions what was past as it had gone. Fluttered away on the breeze like some lone leaf. Through this all there was one constant in my life. The one thing that has not erased. Andrey. My Siberian Sanctuary. He sat with me for days on end while I thought and though. He held me through the confusion I felt through the turmoil and the shadows of faces I had in my mind. He was the only constant. But I knew that I had also tried to push him away though how I don't know.

There is so much missing so many gaps. I remember Maggie and Scarlett and London, but I do not remember Callum. I remember Andrey and Maggie in their relationship and being happy for them but not where we were when it ended although I know he was with me on a beach and we were having fun. I resign myself to the fact that I will never know the answer to the questions zooming around my head. I close my eyes to forget what I can't remember.

Nick and Senna have offered us a home in Scotland and we have accepted. Donna and Callum are happy together also and are staying on. Andrey, well he has been busy building extra houses for everyone including one for us near the banks of a magical loch.

Last week came the biggest surprise of all. Andrey knows I've had feelings for him for a while. I can't explain and don't remember why we couldn't be together. But since Senna and I returned to our home, it felt finally as if we were free, that I was "allowed" to be with him and express my emotions for him. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile. In a nutshell he's just adorable.

Last week Andrey took me to Siberia, to his home, it was such a magical place, snow covered and desolate, but he had built an ornate little cabin there for himself. We built a snow family out of snow, and then it happened. He proposed. How idyllic, and of course there was no other answer but yes. I have never been do blissfully happy that I would spend eternity in the company of another, or with another family. Senna is already making dresses. Donna is over the moon. All that deciding on is an appropriate date....I do hope that everything runs smoothly for us.

So this is what goodbye feels like

Whilst in the infirmary I took two pieces of paper from Senna's notepad. Only two. I wrote hurriedly but had much to say. I hope that the words have some meaning to the recipients. I handed the notes quietly to Afton, a beloved brother who read the pain in my eyes. I held him dear. I hope that these notes find their owners, as I know it will not be long until Senna and I face our fate....

Dearest Helene,

If you read this then I am gone Sister, either to my grave or away somewhere beyond reach. Please do not feel at fault for any of this business. What the heart wants the heart wants. None of us can help but follow, no matter who it is we fall in love with.

Remember me fondly Sister.For all the times that we have spent happy in each others company. All the times we have giggled together like children. All the times you would have made me blush if I were still mortal. All those times were we have sobbed on one anothers shoulders and been there for one another as true sisters should be. Remember me and smile, don't think of what I became. Remember the one I was before the start of this affair, the laughing joking innocent. If I had a rewind button somewhere, anywhere I would use it gladly.

If I am allowed to exist, by any chance of fate, be happy in the knowledge that I will live for the both of us. Please if we ever meet again, befriend me, but do not speak of Italy. I hope now that I am gone therein lies true happiness for you. There is nothing I wish more my loving big Sister.

I'll Miss you,

B

x

Marcus, My Heart,

I never coveted the small place I held within you. And now, if your reading this I am either ashes or far from you.

Know this-every fibre of my being anted to be yours. I gave myself to you willingly. Fate found me torn between a man who loved me and a man who I longed for but couldn't love me back. It broke my soul in two. My only choices were to face death bravely or disappear. I chose to face the music.

I admire the strength in you Marcus, to keep going, to continue as you do with the weight of a broken heart, and all the laws of our world, dragging you down. A part of me will always be yours.

Remember me as the sweet innocent I was. Not as the broken woman I became.

Your Little guard,

Bethan

x

Reasoning and guilt

I don't know where to start,

I don't know what to say,

I tried to make the hurt I felt

Just melt away.

I made myself so numb,

I couldn't feel a thing

When all I ever wanted

Was to be close to him.

We have been stuck in a cell in the infirmary of the castle Senna and I now for a week. I don't know if they are even going to let me leave with my life. And of course if I die, then Senna dies too. How could I have been so prolifically stupid. What will happen from here? Are we to be burnt for my sins? I cannot write too much as this will most probably be censored and read. But we are in fear of our lives, when all we want to do is leave.

B

Head and Heart

Purgatory is a strange place to reside. It feels like I have been here far too long not knowing whether to take a step forward into the unknown or to take a step back in to the safe comfort of the familiar. The events of the past few weeks have left me even more confused, firstly catching Helene and Marcus fresh out of bed after 7 days of my absence and shockingly taking the higher moral ground. I knew that my words had smarted the both of them, but it took for him to walk out to start a chain reaction of things in my head. Even though I died many years ago, some parts have remained predominantly human. I love like a human I still feel like a human and I still fear like a human. Weaknesses, yes, but also the sum of my greatest strengths.

It took a few days for me to come around to talking to either of them about what had happened. Not that I was angry, more numb than anything else. Feeling as if a large velvet blanket had enveloped me and was carrying me away to.....somewhere. I was lucky to have Afton who allowed me to take some of my aggression out on him, but the hours spent afterwards were prolific. Staring at the ceiling for hours, thinking what was wrong with me. I must have prompted this behaviour somehow within him. What could I do? How could I put things right? The answers in a concise fashion was I couldn't. He needs time and space to mourn the wife he loved so much. He doesn't love....do I?

I had to talk to Helene so when I spotted her going to her jeep for a drive I decided that it would be best to be civil at least, who else could understand what I was going through apart from my own Sister. Having decided that I needed to live a little we went to a bar she was accustomed to frequenting in Rome. It was hedonistic, pure blood went straight to my head, there was a photo of her in the mens toilets....at a Mardi gras. We danced and then we hit a strip club. I honestly don't know what to make of it at first. Then I looked inside and I thought.....what the hell. I had been struggling with how uptight I had become, how old I was in a young girls body. I could not resist the temptation and ended up having to feed my thirst right there in the club.

It was early on that Friday that Mags phoned for Dane and Myself. She had met some man in Tokyo, and told Andrey of what she had done. Being friend to Andrey also, he came back to Italy and promptly decided that we both needed some fun. We spent a day on the beach, swimming catching fish, just being young. It was, dare I say, refreshing to have male company when I wasn't either getting angry or fooled. I knew full well that Andrey always had feelings for me, and that day maybe I took advantage of his gentle nature and my longing to be wanted so badly. Andrey and I became firm friends a few months ago, but I know I broke his heart when I rejected him. It was nice to help ease his pain and to talk about my own. But we both forgot Marcus' threat last time if he returned to Italy he would kill him. I tried to maintain a distance from Andrey but again my selfishness became too great. I could love him, or so my head kept telling me. But I lied to my heart as that belonged to a dark cruel man. I was so afraid of doing to poor sweet Andrey what I was having done to me. I confessed all in an argument I later had with Maggie. I felt helpless, broken at my wits end.

There was only one way on Earth I was ever going to get rid of the rest of my humanity and that was to test if my body would sing to him as my heart did or would I still be numb? I will soon find out. I have a cruel, cruel heart.........

Betrayal.......

I stand here, on my own,
Not moving, not blinking, but alone.
In a new City, I'm calling a home.
The truth I laid out there
For all too see, too hard to bear
Burns under my skin.

You think me a child,
That I have no clue
I accepted your lies, so cold
Expecting YOU to be true.
I took every moment and locked them away
Truth turned to ashes
In the cold light of day

I left for some Soul Searching
To know my own love
To return stronger than before
Only to return to ultimate betrayal
What did I do to deserve such heartbreak?


So now I stand where I began
I have no resilience
No more fight to battle
In this dalliance.
I cannot compete, Or fall at your feet
The one who betrayed me so easily


I won't let it break me
But I cannot heal
The ghosts you stirred in me
That day-they were real
You took what you wanted-what I would not give
With time, I would have been yours



I look to the City,
And know your both there
Both happy together, you think I don't care?
Because I took time out to know my own heart
Your games and your tortures
Lust tore me apart

And so I left my friends to return to Italy. But not before we sorted a little inconvenience for Donna. For weeks now she's been noticing a strange scent in the flat. Coming and going and following her around. She even found the source of it one night. A mystery man. She caught him on her mobile phone, following her around. Me being me I decided we should look for the source within the flat, even though Donna had searched the basement. We found a wretched shirt. It really did stink. That smell lingers with me still. Rotting flesh, filth and London grime. I can't believe even with the comings and goings in Blackheath that weekend I didn't pick it up. Demetri has taught me well. Senna is far more sensitive than even I, tracking is not my greatest talent. And so Off we went following our gregarious Amazonian, from Blackheath all the way down to Whitechapel. And there, behind the infamous Jack the Ripper pub the Four Bells we found a disgusting bundle of rags, a beat up and broken vampire. We took him home, bathed him, and he had the nerve to tell me I stunk of Italy? Hoorah, one of the Kingstons, in my bed. I'm sure Donna will phone me soon and tell me how things are. I am not happy at all that he is in my flat, but as Donna is my friend I have no choice but to offer him the common curtosey of a place to stay, even though he camped without permission in my basement.

Back to Italy, I returned on Monday night. 7 days absence and I was determined that I was going to meet with Marcus, and forgive him any dalliance. I was actually looking forwards to seeing him once again, feeling stronger, knowing that I had more than enough strength to get both of us through. Sometime during my flight and my arrival home, Helene and Marcus had...I still find it difficult to think of now...they had slept together. It hit like a slap in the face then. How could I compete, why would I bother? Walls have ears in Volterra and news travels exceedingly quickly between us guards, believe me I know having been the brunt of this news myself since I met...him. The newbie, the dwarf whatever they have called me. The first man I loved took me by force and I have not known a man since. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't give myself willingly apart from to a man who loved me for all that I was. Who could see into my very soul. Old fashioned? Yes I suppose so. To throw me aside so willingly for lust, how could they have been so needy? How could I have allowed myself to fall so in love with a man who respected me so little that he could not wait 7 days for my return? Both knew I had to report for duty on Tuesday morning. That is when I learnt of the betrayal. Very little secrets remain so here, and some people could not wait but fill me in on the news. Both...were there on Tuesday afternoon after my duty. I was called up to his office. I felt sick in that room. Him smelling of her, her smelling of him, so blatantly just out of bed. My head swimming with a thousand questions that I couldn't ask, as the answers would be empty. Wanting to hurt, wanting to blame, but not wanting to appear childish and unworldly. Helene blaming me for running with her secret....even though I could not help but feel Marcus' power after an hour in his company. Marcus blaming himself, as usual for his conflict.

I can't play these games any more

I told him plainly. When I should have held my tongue. I won't play. I'd rather be without anything, anyone, desolate.

It will take time I will eventually forgive, but I can't forget. She gave him the one thing I refused him, her body. For all that I am, which is not much, I would rather face death in the face again than share myself with one who did not want me as his equal. Willing to give as much of himself as I have to give to him.

And so we are back, where the story began. I want him to know me, but I can't trust him....I don't know if I can ever fully escape his inexplicable pull on me.

I was ready for his embrace, and I found him in the arms of my sister. But I'm stupid enough to believe that he may choose me still. How I hate myself for feeling this way...this weak...

We were thinking we would never be apart,

With your name tattooed across my heart,

Oh, who would have thought it would end up like this

Where everything we talked about is gone

And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back

Before it all went wrong

The script "before the worst"

OOC I would like to dedicate this post to the best friend a girl could have, you know who you are ;) Thanks for pressing the publish button whilst I am out getting drunk and if you change this post I'll frigging kill you LOL