Betrayal.......

I stand here, on my own,
Not moving, not blinking, but alone.
In a new City, I'm calling a home.
The truth I laid out there
For all too see, too hard to bear
Burns under my skin.

You think me a child,
That I have no clue
I accepted your lies, so cold
Expecting YOU to be true.
I took every moment and locked them away
Truth turned to ashes
In the cold light of day

I left for some Soul Searching
To know my own love
To return stronger than before
Only to return to ultimate betrayal
What did I do to deserve such heartbreak?


So now I stand where I began
I have no resilience
No more fight to battle
In this dalliance.
I cannot compete, Or fall at your feet
The one who betrayed me so easily


I won't let it break me
But I cannot heal
The ghosts you stirred in me
That day-they were real
You took what you wanted-what I would not give
With time, I would have been yours



I look to the City,
And know your both there
Both happy together, you think I don't care?
Because I took time out to know my own heart
Your games and your tortures
Lust tore me apart

And so I left my friends to return to Italy. But not before we sorted a little inconvenience for Donna. For weeks now she's been noticing a strange scent in the flat. Coming and going and following her around. She even found the source of it one night. A mystery man. She caught him on her mobile phone, following her around. Me being me I decided we should look for the source within the flat, even though Donna had searched the basement. We found a wretched shirt. It really did stink. That smell lingers with me still. Rotting flesh, filth and London grime. I can't believe even with the comings and goings in Blackheath that weekend I didn't pick it up. Demetri has taught me well. Senna is far more sensitive than even I, tracking is not my greatest talent. And so Off we went following our gregarious Amazonian, from Blackheath all the way down to Whitechapel. And there, behind the infamous Jack the Ripper pub the Four Bells we found a disgusting bundle of rags, a beat up and broken vampire. We took him home, bathed him, and he had the nerve to tell me I stunk of Italy? Hoorah, one of the Kingstons, in my bed. I'm sure Donna will phone me soon and tell me how things are. I am not happy at all that he is in my flat, but as Donna is my friend I have no choice but to offer him the common curtosey of a place to stay, even though he camped without permission in my basement.

Back to Italy, I returned on Monday night. 7 days absence and I was determined that I was going to meet with Marcus, and forgive him any dalliance. I was actually looking forwards to seeing him once again, feeling stronger, knowing that I had more than enough strength to get both of us through. Sometime during my flight and my arrival home, Helene and Marcus had...I still find it difficult to think of now...they had slept together. It hit like a slap in the face then. How could I compete, why would I bother? Walls have ears in Volterra and news travels exceedingly quickly between us guards, believe me I know having been the brunt of this news myself since I met...him. The newbie, the dwarf whatever they have called me. The first man I loved took me by force and I have not known a man since. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't give myself willingly apart from to a man who loved me for all that I was. Who could see into my very soul. Old fashioned? Yes I suppose so. To throw me aside so willingly for lust, how could they have been so needy? How could I have allowed myself to fall so in love with a man who respected me so little that he could not wait 7 days for my return? Both knew I had to report for duty on Tuesday morning. That is when I learnt of the betrayal. Very little secrets remain so here, and some people could not wait but fill me in on the news. Both...were there on Tuesday afternoon after my duty. I was called up to his office. I felt sick in that room. Him smelling of her, her smelling of him, so blatantly just out of bed. My head swimming with a thousand questions that I couldn't ask, as the answers would be empty. Wanting to hurt, wanting to blame, but not wanting to appear childish and unworldly. Helene blaming me for running with her secret....even though I could not help but feel Marcus' power after an hour in his company. Marcus blaming himself, as usual for his conflict.

I can't play these games any more

I told him plainly. When I should have held my tongue. I won't play. I'd rather be without anything, anyone, desolate.

It will take time I will eventually forgive, but I can't forget. She gave him the one thing I refused him, her body. For all that I am, which is not much, I would rather face death in the face again than share myself with one who did not want me as his equal. Willing to give as much of himself as I have to give to him.

And so we are back, where the story began. I want him to know me, but I can't trust him....I don't know if I can ever fully escape his inexplicable pull on me.

I was ready for his embrace, and I found him in the arms of my sister. But I'm stupid enough to believe that he may choose me still. How I hate myself for feeling this way...this weak...

We were thinking we would never be apart,

With your name tattooed across my heart,

Oh, who would have thought it would end up like this

Where everything we talked about is gone

And the only chance we have of moving on

Is try to take it back

Before it all went wrong

The script "before the worst"

OOC I would like to dedicate this post to the best friend a girl could have, you know who you are ;) Thanks for pressing the publish button whilst I am out getting drunk and if you change this post I'll frigging kill you LOL

A weekend with the girls (and boys!)

My first missions as a guard went surprisingly quickly. I was at least expecting that I would need to show some of my training but this mission seemed to be all about diplomacy. Anyhow I was emmesly pleased to be away from Volterra, away from Helene and Marcus. We travelled to America and I was given a treaty paper to study as well as folklore from some American Indian tribe about shapeshifters. Apparrently in Washington the amount of shapeshifters in the population was in direct corrolation to the amount of vampires. Settling vamps in the area were worrying the Masters, obviously because of the amount of shape shifters would increase. On a personal level, Senna my dear friend who lives on the outskirts of the County in Quilence and she must move having spent three quarters of a Million dollars building a new home away from the forest. She is devastated. All I can do is comfort her, but I know my heart is bleeding as I am one of the ones who is enforcing this rule upon her and countless others.

America was sprawling. As little as I saw of it the Olympic peninsula made me weary for the greens of my own homeland in the Great British Isles. Lush green and damp, we met with the Head of the Cullens Carlisle. Renata as usual was a mistress of diplomacy. It must have been hard on her too enforcing this rule on one she deems a friend. We left soon after, with an addition. Felix has a lady and he is very much in love. I am more than happy to see him this way, he has met his equal. I have not spoken directly to Thanh as yet, but I left Volterra shortly after I arrived. I could not bare to be there, knowing that I was bound to see him. And I don't think that would be healthy for any of us at the moment.

I returned to London, Helene refusing to leave her post to accompany me. Back into the arms of friends. My ample flat in Blackheath full to bursting, Maggie Scar, Donna, Makenna, Charles, Andrey, Kristofer, and of course Senna. All the people who I loved but had to leave for the past month. A welcome distraction, but a distraction none the less. It's comforting to be back in the flat, there is an unusual scent here, Donna was right in that respect. Perhaps we could hunt for the source before my return to Italy.

Italy. That is inevitable, I must return. But the question I must ask is am I strong enough to resist his lure? Am I strong enough to exonerate the professional guard in me. It seems that I am to live my happiness through the eyes of others and to be content with my own company. So be it. But I still hear him on the wind and remember what he whispered into my willing ear that Sunday afternoon.....I laugh at myself. I could not hope to be near him. He belongs to Helene and she to him. I dread my return.

Leaving.....

Dear Marcus and Helene,

If you are reading this I have left already. Please, take this time witout me to know yourselves better. I shall miss you both.

Beth


Through the darkness
And pain of despair,
Rejection engulfs me
When you are not there
The rivers of heartache
Grew dark with that loss
But rocks under water
They gather no moss

It's onwards were moving
Away from my heart
Who ripped me to pieces
And tore me apart
It left me to gather
Those pieces alone
To keep myslef worthy
My heart turned to stone

And now in the twilight
Sun loosing the fight
I'll wait once again
For the weak breaking light
The stars dazzle gayly
Amidst the crisp air
The realisation-
Will you ever be there?

For you love another
So torn from the start
You dazzled me quickly
And ran with my heart
So now, I repair it
and try to be free
Here in the twilight
There is only
me

Do I really want to let you go?

My immortal heart
My immortal soul
Something that I gave?
Or something that you Stole?
Blackened as the night
Fear that dark betrayal
Closes with twilight
Sobbing with dismay

Take my devotion
Set me free
Shatter my song
Let me be me

This week has broken me. I cannot find it in me to stop for a minute and catch my breath, because I'm afraid that it will kill me. Corin, poor Corin. Mary decided to call the wedding off whilst away with some friends in America. I was devastated for my brother, how dare she punish him like that. He seems to be getting closer to Jane, and Jane is seen to be flitting quite happily around the castle which in itself is odd, as she's always...smiling...

Then the news that Renata and Santiago got married in secret. They went away to marry to spare Corin's feelings and to avoid the fuss which a volturi wedding would no doubt ensue.

As for me...I continue to work. I walked in on a stolen moment, they kissed. Ah, what a fool I am!

Now he cannot decide. Well how could he?

I cannot believe that I have fallen for a Volturi leader. That was never my intention, especially one which my sister had been in love with for twenty years. I am ashamed that I was weak. I wanted him so badly, and I assumed that he reciprocated. Weakness cannot belong to me any more. Helene has forgiven me, and I her. She has far more rights to this man than I could ever have. She has been a guard for many years. Had I never looked into his eyes that day and seen...that something. Had I ignored his subtle calls for me, I would have been fine. My heart would be fine. My sister would be with him now. Why could I not just stay away. Whilst all my friends are away from me and the other guard seem content and happy, why do I struggle with myself so? I've never felt this way. So torn.

So now I work. I expect orders, I train, I distract myself and I avoid having to think at all costs. He will not choose, and heaven nor earth can move him after his heartbreak. I just wish he could hear the silent shards of ice crumbling into nothingness within me. How I sob for him in the small flat in the evenings.

Foolish I know.

But why would he have me?

I'm nothing.

I'm no one.

Betrayal, Guilt and heartbreak

Does my heart feel shame
My conscience full of guilt?
Like a friendship gone wrong
This pain is felt
No my love
Not the pain that brings sorrow
But the painThat gives birth to all my tomorrows
Shame for doubting love to be so true
Love had failed meUntil the day that I met you
Heartbreak, infidelity
An irreconcilable difference
Misconceptions, no trust
Happiness without the resemblance
Sorrow for all who do not know heart's satisfaction
Sharing a love that ignores this world's distractions
Guilt like I have found a buried treasure
Or the fountain of youth
My future shines bright
And I am not in need of reproof
Each day reveals the idiosyncrasy of the need for love
Pure, without blemish
The symbol of a flying white dove
I love who you are
Not who you feel you need to be
You are my guiding force
Forever my love’s destiny

I should be flying as high as any success at the moment. But I'm not. I should proud of myself for passing the test my Masters have placed before me after my first few weeks of training. But I am not. I should be elated that my head is spinning with thought of a new love. But I cannot feel.

Helene, my exquisite sister Helene. I have torn her heart from her, because I was too weak and needy to stop myself from falling in love with a man too wrong for me.

Helene confessed to me that she had a crush. I too had a crush on one of my brothers. We regaled in tails of how bad it would be to divulge our silly confessions to our family. We danced together, we drunk together. And then she confessed. Directly to Marcus. He did not reciprocate, but he has lost his wife, he cannot love and she fled to Ireland leaving me on my own. Oh I was lost without her. Spending time with Makenna. She and I were the only two who knew about Helene's secret.

Now for my secret. After a brief conversation with Marcus, I found myself drawn to him and drawn in by him. He is a proud man, but a hurt man. Having lost his one true love many years ago, he is also a heartbroken man. After hours of talking to him I was weak, and kissed him. Ah, even confessed my love for him. He also has a place for Helene. What are we to do? I am the child, Helene is the Lady. Where she is gracious I am silly. I still find it hard to believe that he finds me stimulating-what have we in common apart from shared hurts?

I have already betrayed my family, by shredding Helene's heart. Failure is worse than death. I hope that she is gracious enough to allow me an audience soon. I love you Helene. I followed my heart, and I'm still not convinced that it steers me on to the right path.

I am to leave for America soon. An assignment. It will be my first real test in the field. I am to go with Ren and Dem. Am I ready to fight? Yes. Am I ready to leave Volterra? No. But I carry the memory of the past few days with me. I can have that much to myself surely.....

Prolific Follying

Like the title?
Know what it means?
To be stuck in the middle
And nowhere between
To stick to the ruling
And then still be false

Volterra. God, since I came here, I haven't stood still. I haven't had the chance to be fair. Not only the hard work and effort I'm putting in but Lordy, the emotions that go flying around on a daily basis. My own are no expetion. Corin has taken over my combat training since Felix has disappeared. Where he has gone, no one knows. Mary has now left to meet up with one of her nomadic friends in America, Corin thinks everything Felix texts him and speaks to him about hilarious. hmmmm, it doesn't take much intelligence to add two and two together. FiFi in love, or wonderlust? Who knows. Must be one hell of a woman.Ren and San have just disappeared into their own little world for days on end, well fair play to them I say. Something happenned around about the time of her birthday after she returned home from a round trip of Ireland and America. I only saw the flowers, and heard something whispered....

And Helene, poor Helene confessing her love and then leaving for Ireland. Master Marcus, oh what a puzzle is he....such an interesting subject for my musings.

Me? Oh I had a visitor.I even took a day off for him. It was nice learning about Andrey's life, he even made me a table. It sits in my flat as I'm writing this. He's a lonely soul after a bit of a laugh, I think my running away from him at the most inopportune moments made him giggle. Ok, we had a bit of a moment, but that was it. It was over before it begun, but I know I have a wandering friend in him. I could not give him what he wanted. My heart is ice, I am frozen in time as my heart belongs to another. I dare not disclose as I am sure he does not feel the same and it would be my ruin to act upon it. But the temptation is great, even though I have a skittish tendency to run, or kill. It is the poco con passionate in me apparently.

I still miss my Wales. I may ask soon if I can at least go to London. Donna is using my London flat at the moment, I think she may have met Maggie and Helene in Ireland for a few days.Perhaps return to Cardiff. Surely even a trainee can have a few days off. I miss the constant reassurance of my mother, the pure clean fresh air of Wales. In the meantime, I'm hoping they send me into some action soon. I need to kill something pretty bad. Prolific follying has the way of doing that to a girl, especially a girl like me, little, who has come so far anyway, long way.

Dirty little Secrets

Silence engulfs her once screaming night
She sits biting at the withered skin that
gathers around the edges of her nails
Shards of icy tingles haunt her spine
while she reflects upon her past
Her legs shake when she gets nervous
so she digs her teeth hard into her tongue
to focus on something else.

Wet flesh rolling in a dumb stupor, she knows what she wants to say
It is trying to claw its way out from inside her but her lips remain padlockedNo wetness softens her cheeks
She’s numb
Eyes wide Pupils dilated
She just stares,
at nothing she stares,
no story in her eyes just an etched in look of grief
Motionless she sits, d
oesn’t know how long she has been there
or how long until she can move again
She just sits paralysed by the silence

We all have them. We all hide them. We all hope beyond hope that no one will fall inadvertently onto them. This family is riddled with them. Whilst poor Ren is trying to figure out ours, I muse on how familliar this situation feels to me. The litter sister again. The schoolgirl whom no one takes seriously. The girl with a crush. And a dangerous one at that.

I miss home, the familiarity of it. I miss my friends. It's been a heartbraking week, oh, I'm being overtly dramatic. I hate dirty little secrets, they eat you up from the inside out.

New Horizons

Like a breath of springtime air,

When you breathed your life on me,

Fresh and new I bloomed right there,

And my eyes began to see

New Horizons,

the colors of Your reflecting glow of love

I am for the first time in many years content with my place in the World. I am happy just to be Bethan, to be myself. My world has revolved so fast this last week, it amuses me. One minute desolate, the next surrounded by a rich and varied family. My timetable for training is jam packed, I hardly have time to think, which is a blessing as I have plenty to think about.

I have always kept myself busy, even in the Wilds of Wales, there was study, composition, exploration, to be done. Here it is a more tangled web we weave, and I find myself at a loss of what to do on my free time. Perhaps I will wonder the countryside for a time, I'm not yearning as I did and do not feel so empty. I could almost go so far as to say that I am close to fulfilled.

One small irk in my perfect life is that I still think about the Snowdons. The old fashioned values I carried with me to this day tell me that I was wrong to kiss Coraline. But it felt very right at the time. Should I continue along this path and find a female to spend the rest of my life with? But then I think of the passion that burns within me for a good looking man. A part of me fears that I can never trust another with my heart after the hurt the Snowdons have caused. Perhaps I should just take the boys advice and "chase some tail" for a while, but this isn't really me either. Time will tell I suppose, at the moment no time to think is a blessing. It is in the quiet times that the ghosts of the past come back to rip our hearts from our sleeves.